Faking Orgasms
We have probably all done it, faked an orgasm. Perhaps for different reasons, maybe to make the encounter stop, maybe because you don’t feel confident communicating to your partner/s that what they’re doing isn’t quite hitting the spot or maybe you felt pressured by a sexual script to finish the encounter with an orgasm. Regardless, most of us have probably faked an orgasm, I know I certainly have. Although seemingly harmless, faking an orgasm can actually contribute to the orgasm gap. The orgasm gap refers to the disparity between heterosexual men and women in terms of sexual satisfaction. Basically, it is a form of gender inequality caused by a variety of factors that collate to cultural ignorance leaving heterosexual women to reach orgasm far less than heterosexual men. There are multiple factors contributing to this inequality of pleasure, one being faking orgasms. And please know I am not trying to shame anyone for faking, as I said I’ve been there, but I do want you to understand how important your pleasure is and that through continuous communication perhaps your consensual fun could result in an orgasm.
Why do people fake it?
I think there are a few reasons why people may fake an orgasm, one being medical. Some people can find it difficult to cum and perhaps feel like it is easier to fake it than communicate this. This leads us to the next reason, lack of communication centered around not wanting to hurt your partner/s feeling or not feeling confident to express what’s going on. I remember I dated this guy for a while, let’s call him Michael. And Michael was the hottest man I had ever seen, I’m telling you I was in love.
But if I’m being honest with myself the sex was subpar, I can’t explain it, he just couldn’t hit it right. But I was so in love right, I didn’t want to give Michael this feedback in the chance he may be upset and dump me. Long story short he ended up dumping me and I wasted 6 months of my life having mediocre sexual interactions as I didn’t want to hurt his ego and risk our relationship ending. The moral of the story here is it can be hard to give feedback and sometimes takes time to grow the confidence to do so. But it's important you are not sacrificing your pleasure in order to avoid an uncomfortable conversation, you are worthy of pleasure and communication around your wants and needs should be welcomed and encouraged! I think it is also important to remember that bodies need to be learned, you can’t expect to be with someone once sexually and for them to tick all your boxes straight away. Preferences are learned and the quicker you can give the feedback the quicker you may actually reach an orgasm.
Another reason may be that they don't feel confident enough to ask to stop due to lack of knowledge on what to say or as they feel pressured by the heteronormative script which says sex must end in an orgasm. I have definitely been here too, unsure as to what to say and feeling pressured to finish. So next time you want to fake it to end the sexual interaction try one of these lines instead:
“Can we get a snack?”
“Water break?”
“I think I am ready to do something else, how are you feeling?”
“This had been so good, but I think I’d really just like to cuddle and watch a movie now.”
“That was so good, but honestly I just don’t think I’m going to cum.”
Communicating can be complex and scary at times, but sacrificing your pleasure is never okay. Speak up about what you want and if that’s an interaction ending, end it. You have full autonomy over your body! So next time you go to fake an orgasm think of the pleasure you deserve and try guiding your partner/s to help you achieve what you want!
By Alexis Pallister
