The Things Sex Ed Failed to Teach Me About Consent.

Growing up I had a poor sex education. I would describe my experiences of learning about the sexual exploration of my body, desires, pleasures, and sexual safety as limited at best. In essence, the schools I attended tended to take a condom-on-the-banana approach, leaving out holistic conversations around other important facets of sex, for example, consent. If I could have my time again and there was one area of learning I could change it would be the area of consent. Consent is foundational for all sexual experiences and the understanding of consent ties in many other facets of sex ed which create a safe and enjoyable space whereby sexual acts can occur.

Much of my knowledge about consent has been sparked by my own experiences with my consent being violated. Young people should not have to be subjected to such experiences to learn about the ins and outs of consent. Instead, this learning should occur in schools.

So, what exactly did sex ed not teach me about consent?

Well, my friends and I were not taught that consent lies on a spectrum. That an exchange does not just go from consensual to non-consensual, in fact, there are other factors at play that can change the exchange to non-consensual aside from simply violence. We were not taught that if coercion or manipulation is present consent cannot be given. We were not taught what coercion or manipulation looked like or how common it is to happen.

We were not taught that consent needs to be given in all exchanges and that just because we are dating does not mean that I owe my partner sex.

We were not told about the complex nature of consent and that yes does not always mean yes. We never heard the word freely or were told that we have the right to say no regardless of where we are in the exchange, whether that be only just starting to kiss or naked in bed. We were never told how to say no or stop and instead had our heads filled with the idea that it is easier to keep going than to say stop and ruin the mood. We were not taught that we have autonomy over our bodies and that the decisions we make whether that be to have sex or not to have sex were ours to make without shame.

We were not taught consent. Instead, we were sent into the world, expected to fumble our way through sexual exchanges and explorations without any knowledge of how communication during sex works. Young students deserve the right to be taught consent. They deserve the right to be taught that their pleasure matters, that their bodies matter and that they hold complete autonomy over their choices. They deserve the right to be educated.

By Alexis Pallister