How to Become a Sex-Positive Parent
Growing up I was fortunate enough to have very open and honest parents, yet when it came to conversations surrounding sex the open and honest analogy seemed to crumble away. This left me wandering through adolescents with little to no idea of how to engage in healthy sexual relationships. I mean if I’m honest, I was given so many metaphors of what sex was I went to high school still confused if I was meant to be a bird or a bee. But in high school I wanted answers and when my parents couldn’t help me, I turned to my friends. As you can imagine, they were just as clued in as I was and so we turned to a more reliable source or what we deemed at the time as ‘more’ reliable … porn. This shaped my perception of sex through a male gaze, and it wasn’t until I began engaging in healthy sexual relationships that I learnt how to have healthy, safe, and empowering sex. Now imagine if my parents had taken a sex-positive mindset, how things would have been different.
So, what does it mean to be sex-positive parent?
Being a sex-positive parent does not necessarily mean banging on about sex 24/7 nor does it mean you have to encourage your children to have sex straight away. It means exploring sex, sexuality, and gender openly and honestly, in a way that is healthy and promotes sexual relationships to be safe, pleasurable for all and most importantly consensual. Really, being a sex-positive parent just means you provide a holistic, comprehensive and shame-free sexual education to your children. Sounds pretty good right! Let’s look at some tips and tricks on becoming a sex-positive parent.
Move away from the traditional once off birds and bees talk.
Let’s shift away from thinking that the ‘talk’ should be a one-time thing. Sex, sexuality, gender, anatomy, relationships, and consent cannot be confined to one talk. Instead, we should reframe our thinking and begin to see it as a lifelong process whereby we answer questions, share our experiences, and educate continuously. By moving away from the traditional once-off talk we can also start to deepen our discussions, around sexual health, and expectations as well as challenging gender norms and stereotypes. This continuous discussion will also promote a sex-positive mindset in our children and help dimmish the stigmas and shame surrounding sex.
Teach consent sooner rather than later.
It is never too early to start teaching consent and promoting autonomy over one’s own body. It is a fundamental lesson to learn and thus, should be introduced as early as possible. For example, teach children to ask before they touch or hug someone and to respect someone if they ask not to be touched. It is also important that we explain the weight of words such as 'no' and 'stop', explaining how they are important and should always be respected. Below are some handy books that can help teach consent to children.
Use the correct terminology.
Using the correct terminology is so important as it reinforces the notion that genitals are not something to be ashamed of. It promotes a positive mindset and eliminates any confusion that may occur by using incorrect terminology.
Be honest.
Honesty is always the best policy especially when it comes to educating children on everything sex. By being honest, we can limit misleading or confusing information regarding sex, sexuality, gender, relationships, and anatomy. Honestly answering children’s queries should also be age appropriate to their questions.
Respect their privacy and boundaries.
Showing respect does not mean avoiding discussions which may potentially be uncomfortable, it means respecting boundaries and the autonomy of your child. If your child asks you questions answer them and if they decide they are not ready to talk, don’t pressure it. Instead, just be ready and let your child know that when the time is right for them, they can always come to you.
Resist gender norms and stereotypes.
The research suggests that by the age of 2 children can differentiate between genitals and that by the age of 4 they have a stable sense of what it means socially to be a particular gender. Growing up children receive so many rigid messages about how they should behave as a particular gender, and it is our job to create an environment whereby we challenge these social norms. For example, acknowledging that all colours are for everybody and that boys can cry too. By vocally challenging gender stereotypes and norms we can start to diminish these social norms and teach our children that they do not need to fit into a little box to identify as a particular gender.
Be mindful of your reaction and don’t overreact.
I understand this may be a tricky one, but it is extra important to be mindful of the verbal and non-verbal reactions you have when having talks regarding sex, sexuality, and gender. We don’t want to make children feel uncomfortable or feel as though sex is something to be ashamed of. So, make sure when you are listening you become mindful of your body language, facial expressions and tone used to create a judgement-free space!
Check out the resources!
Now I understand conversations about sex can be uncomfortable, but they are so important to raise educated children who understand their autonomy, their anatomy and how to engage in a sexual relationship in a healthy way. Listed below are a bunch of sex-positive resources for you to check out!
Here are some awesome children’s books which dive into consent (Note: all books can be purchased off Amazon):
Don’t Touch My Hair by Sharee Miller
Can I give you a squish? By Emily Neilson
‘C’ is for Consent by Eleanor Morrison
Consent (for kids!) By Rachel Brian
Some other books which can help to teach children about sex ed are listed below:
It’s So Amazing by Robie Harris
Sex is a Funny Word by Cory Silverberg
It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris
This is a fabulous guide for parents wanting to learn how to have sex-positive conversations: Sex Positive Talks to Have With Kids by Melissa Carnagey. It can be purchased on https://sexpositivefamilies.com/about/
The Sex Positive Families website also has many more resources on how to be a sex-positive parent, so don't forget to check them out!
Here are some adult books on how to have sex-positive conversations:
Beyond Birds and Bees: bringing Home a New Message to Our Kids about Sex, Love and Equality by Bonnie J. Rough
Talk to Me First by Deborah Roffman
For Goodness Sex by Al Vernacchio
This website has loads of short, animated, educational videos on all things sex, sexuality, gender, consent and so much more! There are a range of videos both for educating children and providing support to adults on how to approach discussions on particular topics: https://amaze.org/jr/
By Alexis Pallister
