Getting Kinky
Communicating in the sheets can sometimes feel uncomfortable, especially as you begin to explore your kinks and fetishes. However, it does not have to be this way! Communication is foundational to sex and good sex at that. Without communicating your desires, preferences, kinks or fetishes you may be left feeling flat as what your experiencing isn’t true to what you want. Furthermore, not only does communicating your preferences make the sex more enjoyable as it is tailored to you, but it is critical in ensuring you are obtaining appropriate consent (which is a must!). It is also important to remember we all have kinks and fetishes. Desiring a particular activity or body part to reach climax is completely normal and communication around how you like it should be normalised!
Before we dive into how to share your kinks or fetishes let’s explore what they actually are...
Kinks and fetishes are often used interchangeably when relating to sexual activities, however, they are different. A kink is an umbrella term encompassing all pleasure-based activities beyond what society deems as normative penetrative sex. While fetishes are more targeted and refer to explicit arousal due to objects (for example gloves), body parts (for example feet), or particular activities (for example bondage).
How do I tell someone my kink, fetish, or preference in bed?
The number one rule when discussing kinks and fetishes in the bedroom is to stay open and be honest. Mutually disclosing your desires is a great place to start. However, when doing so you must keep an open mind as to what your partner is wanting to try. Of course, consent is still required and if you feel uncomfortable with what they're asking that is more than okay – you should never do something you don’t want to do. Be honest with your partner about this and perhaps explore alternatives that you would be willing to try.
Stay positive. Exploring new things in the bedroom is meant to be fun and pleasurable so when discussing your fetishes or kinks be positive. Have fun and laugh, I swear the best sex involves laughing so be open and laugh often. Also, try using positive language when communicating what you want such as “You know what I think would be really hot” or “I’ve been thinking about trying this lately”. Remember not to be critical of your partner, instead, try using a compliment sandwich to ask them to change it up or try something new. Compliment them, show them how they could improve and finish with another compliment affirming you appreciate what they are already doing.
Use media references to explain what it is you want. Providing context around what it is you want, may help ease any nerves bubbling around the exploration. It also ensures you and your partner are both on the same page concerning what it is you are after. Watching pornography (of course ethical porn only) together can also act as great foreplay. And although you shouldn’t compare what you are experiencing to the skewed reality portrayed in porn it can be a great reference/starting point to try new things.
Take it slow. Exploring new things can be super exciting but also a little nerve-racking. It is important to remember that both of you are new at this. Don’t expect your partner to be some kind of kink expert straight out the gate, getting sexual fantasies right can sometimes take a bit of time. After all, we are all just humans, not actors cast in porn.
Exploring your kinks and fetishes is a great way to improve your relationship health and sexual satisfaction. But to explore, we need to communicate! So, remember to be open and honest about what you want. Sexual fantasies are completely normal, and we all have them so never feel any shame in wanting to explore or try something new!
By Alexis Pallister
Sources:
https://www.health.com/sex/kink-vs-fetish-whats-the-difference
https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/kinky-sex-how-to-talk-about-fetishes
https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/sex-and-relationships/how-to-talk-about-a-fetish-744680 - This article has a great list of resources at the end which takes a closer look at communication, kinks and fetishes!
