Toxic purity and its impact on young women and their sex lives

With so many empowering women in the media preaching sex-positivity in recent years, it’s a mystery as to why toxic purity is still an issue at all in our society. We are so forward-thinking in regard to other issues, so why is it that we have such a blind spot when it comes to women exploring the sexual part of their lives?

Toxic purity or purity culture is an ideology brought on by the popularity of Christianity in Western Culture that proposes the idea that women who have had sex before marriage are less desirable as life partners because they are viewed as “impure”. Societal issues such as the AIDS epidemic and rising experiences of teen pregnancy helped fuel the fire of the purity movement by leading people to believe that these things weren’t caused by a lack of education but rather “loose morals and sexual sins” as put by a Modern Intimacy article written by Kayla Tricaso. Though this toxic way of thinking has been around for many years it peaked in popularity in the 90’s and early 2000’s, “with young girls pledging to their fathers to abstain from sex until marriage by wearing purity rings” said an NBC news article written by Sarah Ngu. The increase in popularity of purity rings was not only supported by religion but also by the media with help from Disney favourites The Jonas Brothers in the early 2000’s. In an interview with The Huffington Post, Kevin Jonas said “my ring represents a promise to myself and god that I’ll stay pure until marriage”.

This toxic way of thinking has a lasting impact on young women and what is expected of them when puberty comes along and they reach an age where sex is something that they begin to think about. In our society it’s normal for young men to want to explore their sexual urges through masturbation, porn or sexual relationships, these things however are less normalised among young women. Even if young women do choose to explore in the same way as men, it is not treated by society in the same way because of slut shaming. Slut shaming has grown in popularity between young people and their peers at school or online often as gossip as a form of bullying or between a person’s male peers in the form of “locker room talk”. “Girls are often ridiculed for the way they look, the way they dress, and their presumed sexual activity” said Sherri Gordon in a piece published to verrywell family. With this toxic view on feminine sexuality, it makes it hard for young women to talk even among their friends or partners about sex and their bodies.

Slut shaming follows most women around like a shadow, mostly due to the fact that so many aspects of women’s lives such as what they wear and how they act have been overly sexualised by men for years in society. This is shown in schools by implementing dresscodes that “penalise young girls for showing too much skin” as put by Sherri Gordon. These girls are told it is to prevent the boys from getting distracted. While rolling your skirt up to the point where it can barely be seen and having school dresses half unbuttoned isn’t exactly school appropriate, perhaps schools should be taking a closer look at these boys and what kind of hypersexual conversations go on behind closed doors to figure out what makes a pair of legs so distracting. The pressure is placed on young women to change what they wear instead of focusing on the real issue - overly sexualising every inch of skin. The expectation of school-appropriate behaviour should be placed on young men rather than young women. However unfortunately slut shaming clothing does not just happen in the classroom. Often women who have been sexually assaulted are asked what they were wearing at the time as a justifiable reason as to why this happened to them.

Women who openly talk about sex and their bodies to grasp an understanding of these topics are often dismissed by our society or deemed “unladylike”. Unfortunately, aspects of our society are uncomfortable with the idea that women are speaking openly about their sexuality in the same way that men have been doing for years. Sex is an important part of every healthy relationship, and healthy sex starts with healthy communication. How are women supposed to communicate what they want when they are never taught about female pleasure? “All humans no matter their gender can be and feel sexual … people who identify as women are just as capable of having high sex drives” said Kayla Tricaso in her modern intimacy article aiming to shed some light on the issue and debunk some of the myths surrounding toxic purity.

Unfortunately women who are open about the sexual part of their lives as often seen by sexual partners as just a sexual relationship but not a life partner relationship. This way of thinking is known as “the Madonna whore complex”. This theory was explored in the early 1900’s by Sigmund Freud, the idea is that men who possess this way of thinking “saw women as either saints or prostitutes, loving the first and desiring the second” said an article published on “the latch” elaborating on the origin of this way of thinking.

Toxic purity is deeply rooted in our society and is damaging young women’s abilities to enjoy sex and learn about their bodies. Slut shaming between peers is making girls scared to explore this part of their lives and have them feel the need to monitor many aspects of who they are and how they choose to present themselves. Through the Madonna whore complex men are surprised when the women they are dating be open about the sexual part of themselves. This is because some men struggle to see women as beings that can be both maternal and warm, and sexually open and confident in their sexuality to be able to discuss this with their partners.. With such a closed state of mind, we as a society will have trouble accepting men and women as sexual equals leaving young women in the dark about the potential joys of exploring this part of themselves

By Laura Gilmore